"If it's not love than it's the bond that will bring us together..."

I have come to realize that the only people who will stick around is those you have known for years. My now 'devoted' friends have disappeared. The ones who knew me so so well. None of them will last. Let's go back. Circa 2006-2007. Those people I met then will be in my life forever. Some exceptions made. Lately, I have been catching up with old friends, those who I have drifted away from over the past few years. I feels good to catch up with old friend in this fast paced world. To sit and reminisce on our past mischief and fun times. Makes me miss being seventeen though. Hard to believe three years ago I was sitting behind a desk everyday, Monday through Friday. Sleeping through most of my classes, going to work just ten hours a week and hanging out with my friends all the time. I have grown up to say the least. I don't go out every night. I work a lot. Everyone is to busy now. To busy to just sit around and bull shit. To busy to call and check how someone is doing. To busy to just go to the park and hang out. We are all to caught up in our own mixed up and crazy lives to realize that, 'HEY THAT PERSON CARES ABOUT ME SO I SHOULD CALL THEM.' I still make phone calls. I still live in the past. I still love to goof off and get in trouble. I still love all my old friends.

You know who you are.

"Hair brushed and parted, Typical me."

-The Smiths

Lately, Everything is so predictable. If you asked me what my plans were on January 21st of 2010, I could tell you.

With just a few days until my 20th birthday I feel like I haven't been taking risk and actually living life. It's like all I do is things for other people. The only time I ever have to myself or to go out is late at night or when my sisters are working and I am off, which rarely happens. My life seems so typical. So routine.

I know that my supposed 'life' really hasn't begun, but it feels like it is already crashing down. I understand that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but I just want to graze those fields and see how that grass looks close up. I want an escape. I want a vacation. Wait, change those 'wants' to 'needs'. I need a break from my life right now. I mean just a week or two would be nice.

It seems like everyone is passing me by. I mean if you think about it, I'm not in school. All my friends are in college, getting married, having kids or something. I work at Hot Topic, live at home and have just about zero friends. I feel like a failure. Again, Typical Me.

I know this is just a bunch of mixed up emotions, but hell I need a way to vent. Even if no one reads or cares about it.

When last I spoke to Carol.

When last I spoke to Carol I said:"I can't pretend it gets easier."

she said:"I've hung on, I have edged around this narrow ledge since the day I was born in 1975."

When last I spoke to Carol I said:"I can't pretend I feel love for you."

she said:"I've hammered a smile across this pasty face of mine since the day I was born in 1975."

When I said goodbye to Carol black earth upon the casket fell she had faded to something I always knew to the rescue nobody ever comes.

Live, live, LIVE.

Life, life, LIFE.

Seconds are going by. Days have passed. I have not really moved. I haven't had motivation for much lately. Laying in bed until 2p.m. has pretty much wiped me out. As sad as that sounds. I have no reason to get up and do anything. Cabin fever? No, not at all. I just realized who my real friends are. I realized after I stopped talking to all of them I had no friends. So truly, I never had any real friends.

They were all just a sham. A lie. An illusion. My imagination.


I wish I would have wrote 'never change' in their yearbooks. Maybe that would have made them stay the same.

how about the story of my life...

"All eyes on the calendar. Another year I claim of total indifference. To here, the days pile up. With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong. Into this song I send myself, And with these drinks I plan to collapse. And forget this wasted year, these wasted years. Devoted friends, they disappear. And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you. Some decisions you don't make. I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to. There are some things you can't fakeI guess that it's typical To cling to memories you'll never get back againl And to sort through old photographsl Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know. And there below His frozen face You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date. And you can't believe that he's really gone When all that's left is a fucking song and I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you. I know that it is late, But thank you for talking, because I needed to. Some things just can't wait."

Bright Eyes- Feb. 15th Happy Birthday to me.