and i

"I remember things, not many things. I don't remember places and times, but i remember the love and just who gave it to me."


Lately i feel kind of out of place. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I am not having my desired effect on this earth I am standing upon.

No one is intellectual enough for me to have a conversation with. I am thinking to highly. Not one person wants to love me, because I have no idea how to love back. No one wants to just come over, because they all have better things to do. No one is proud of me, just because I have never truly accomplished anything in my 19 going on 2o years of life.

I truly just want to escape, but not from those around me. I want to be a better person, who loves and makes those around him proud. I want to have goals, dreams, and ambitions. I love myself, and I don't want to make a change to myself. But it seems like I really need too. Just so friends, family, co-workers, my peers, and mere strangers will be happy with me. It is kind of a selfless way of thinking honestly. I mean I myself, am willing to give up everything that makes me happy to make those around me happy with me. Although I have become everything I never wanted to be, I am completely okay with it. I want to do this for their own good. Not for mine.


I have never wanted to be in love.
I have never asked to live.
I have never wanted to have a goal.
I have never wanted to breath.

all of it just happened.

And like all that has happened, this will too. I will mold myself until all the stars align, in a perfect straight line across the sky. Each day fixing a new problem with myself. Until I am perfect. Well, at least perfect in their eyes.

"I am not Jesus, but i am more than a man."

she is...

she is the song i sing when i have no voice.
the melody i hear when i am deaf to all other sounds.
the strings i strum when nothing else sounds right.

she is the pen i write with when i am in that mood.
the blank sheet of paper that is always right in front of me.
the eraser when i make a mistake.

she is the book i read, when i want to escape reality.
the words that mean everything when i have nothing to live for.
the character that i want fall in love with.

murderer.

i am composed of meat and flesh.
just like any other animal that graces this planet.

unlike others, i chose not to eat meat of any sort almost five years ago. but to them i am a joke. i am just some hippie wierdo.

yesterday, for the first time, meat graced my very lips, on accident but it happened. and since then i feel like i killed my best friend. i can not stop thinking about that poor animal. that animal that died for someone.

i relate killing an animal to the crusifiction of Jesus Christ. neither wanted to do it, but both do(did). both were/are killed for men and women alike. they only difference between meat and
Christ is that we can stop killing those animals anytime.

i hate myself right now. seriously. i am disguisted that i didn't check my food before i ate it. i am horrified by the thought that i for that one bite, was carnivouris. that i actually tasted the flesh of another being. i cried, real tears, over this.

i was just called a 'murderer' by my friends sister. i walked out of her house in front of her whole family holding back my tears. i am a murderer. i help to kill an innocent animal. i am a horrible person. i am disguisting. i am nasty. i killed. and i can't get over it.

it seems pointless and almost stupid to some people. for them to make jokes, and laugh at how bad i actually feel.

i hate myself right now. :\

inspiration/uplifting.

it is absolutely amazing the power one or more people can have one single human being.

i myself am influenced so much by my heroes and inspirees. i become who i am today because i listen to words. i comprehend those things people say and use it in my everyday life.

when i hear a song, a poem, a letter, a phrase, or just a conversation, i take that all to heart. i am truely inspired my human motivation. i love when people think something and say it. out of the blue or if it is thought out.

one of my greatest heroes of all time is craigery owens. if you do not know he is in the band chiodos. also he is in cinematic sunrise, isles and glaciers, and of course his newest solo project.
i have become seriously intwinded in his way of thinking over the past few years. i am more than just some fan. it is more of a passion. this one person, hands down, has changed my life. forever, he will be.

chiodos has saved me from my worst thoughts. saved me from myself even. simple words like, "we make the sunshine" or "as long as she is perfectly fine, i will be able to sleep at night" change the way i think. i am more optimistic.

you know something means a lot to you, when you are feeling like you have nothing to live for, and you just put that album in your c.d. player and it makes you want to live for something. honeslty, i live for these guys. craig, brad, matt, pat, dereck, and jason. these six people have changed my life. and they do not even know it. i cried during their shows. i feel like i have walked at least a mile in thier shoes. i feel like each song is wrote just for me. and that is why it means so fucking much to me.

i have been through so much over the past couple years, and i know it will be okay. because i can always rely on my boys. the chiodos boys.

"as long as your perfectly fine, i will be able to sleep at night with a smile upon your face."

eyes of the past.

i am constantly thinking of how my past has made me who i am today.

and i seriously mean constantly.

from what i wear, to i talk. it was influenced by someone, somewhere.

i personally had a fantastic childhood. two parents who loved me, a constant playmate (well my two sisters) and really a family who stood behind me.

now, it is like i have none of that...

i have so many problems nowadays. i have a disfunctional family. who by the way can barley talk to eachother. i have a dad who disowned me.

i quit highschool so i could be independent. always a kid i was the one who wanted to do things on his own. i wanted to best one at everything. now, in my dads eyes, i am the failure. i am the one who can not do anything right. i screwed my life up, well that is what he tells me.

he went to the extent of pretty much blantley telling my mom that he can not stand me. and sadly i am so okay with it. my dad is the person i hate being around. whenever he talks to me, i die a little. he kills me a little more everyday. with his one word answers and his cocky smartass comebacks. they tear me up. he is seriously stabbing a knife into my heart. and i am sick of it.

i believe that i am a good person. yes, i admit i have clouded my future by screwing up my past. i have tainted the life i could have had. but if i am okay with it, why can he not be?

my past was good until i was sixteen. point blank.

get inside my head...

I am a complicated individual. I ration my thoughts out to those who matter.

Lately, All I have been wanting to do is write. I have had so many built up feelings. The urge has become unbelievable. The only problem is i can never attain the right words to express myself.

I write what I feel.
I write what I know.
I write what I believe.

I am your naturally over rated teen. I am a full blown ass hole. I speak my mind.

I just want to express myself.

like lately...

i feel like i have a neuse around my neck, a chair under my feet. and he is getting ready to kick it.

i hate that feeling of uneasiness. i hate feeling pain. i hate when i know it is coming.