If only time would stand still long enough for me to take a picture. So, in that second, I could say I froze time. But, time stops for no one. Not even me. I guess all I can do is seize the moment, and hope it freezes in my brain. But I honestly have made no good memories lately. Maybe that's my only problem!?! Maybe I just need to freeze a few shots of my life. So I can pull out that old shoe box in the back of mind and smile to myself later. Ya know. That good old sub conscious, Where my brain or heart don't exist.

Bahaha the conscious says to the brain "don't mind me!!!" :-)

--i think its funny, but i think alot of things are funny.

Not dead, just lifeless. Not quite alive, just breathing.

Complete Misery. Completly Alone. Completely Disguisted.

And you are not even ashamed?

And you can't even look me in the eye?

And you can't remember me?

You can't feel because you are numb?

You can't dream because you are alone?

You can drink because you are sad?

You can't think because you are simply mad.

my favorite thought right now is all about being infinite.

and that's the only thing i want to think about.

"If it's not love than it's the bond that will bring us together..."

I have come to realize that the only people who will stick around is those you have known for years. My now 'devoted' friends have disappeared. The ones who knew me so so well. None of them will last. Let's go back. Circa 2006-2007. Those people I met then will be in my life forever. Some exceptions made. Lately, I have been catching up with old friends, those who I have drifted away from over the past few years. I feels good to catch up with old friend in this fast paced world. To sit and reminisce on our past mischief and fun times. Makes me miss being seventeen though. Hard to believe three years ago I was sitting behind a desk everyday, Monday through Friday. Sleeping through most of my classes, going to work just ten hours a week and hanging out with my friends all the time. I have grown up to say the least. I don't go out every night. I work a lot. Everyone is to busy now. To busy to just sit around and bull shit. To busy to call and check how someone is doing. To busy to just go to the park and hang out. We are all to caught up in our own mixed up and crazy lives to realize that, 'HEY THAT PERSON CARES ABOUT ME SO I SHOULD CALL THEM.' I still make phone calls. I still live in the past. I still love to goof off and get in trouble. I still love all my old friends.

You know who you are.

"Hair brushed and parted, Typical me."

-The Smiths

Lately, Everything is so predictable. If you asked me what my plans were on January 21st of 2010, I could tell you.

With just a few days until my 20th birthday I feel like I haven't been taking risk and actually living life. It's like all I do is things for other people. The only time I ever have to myself or to go out is late at night or when my sisters are working and I am off, which rarely happens. My life seems so typical. So routine.

I know that my supposed 'life' really hasn't begun, but it feels like it is already crashing down. I understand that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but I just want to graze those fields and see how that grass looks close up. I want an escape. I want a vacation. Wait, change those 'wants' to 'needs'. I need a break from my life right now. I mean just a week or two would be nice.

It seems like everyone is passing me by. I mean if you think about it, I'm not in school. All my friends are in college, getting married, having kids or something. I work at Hot Topic, live at home and have just about zero friends. I feel like a failure. Again, Typical Me.

I know this is just a bunch of mixed up emotions, but hell I need a way to vent. Even if no one reads or cares about it.

When last I spoke to Carol.

When last I spoke to Carol I said:"I can't pretend it gets easier."

she said:"I've hung on, I have edged around this narrow ledge since the day I was born in 1975."

When last I spoke to Carol I said:"I can't pretend I feel love for you."

she said:"I've hammered a smile across this pasty face of mine since the day I was born in 1975."

When I said goodbye to Carol black earth upon the casket fell she had faded to something I always knew to the rescue nobody ever comes.

Live, live, LIVE.

Life, life, LIFE.

Seconds are going by. Days have passed. I have not really moved. I haven't had motivation for much lately. Laying in bed until 2p.m. has pretty much wiped me out. As sad as that sounds. I have no reason to get up and do anything. Cabin fever? No, not at all. I just realized who my real friends are. I realized after I stopped talking to all of them I had no friends. So truly, I never had any real friends.

They were all just a sham. A lie. An illusion. My imagination.


I wish I would have wrote 'never change' in their yearbooks. Maybe that would have made them stay the same.

how about the story of my life...

"All eyes on the calendar. Another year I claim of total indifference. To here, the days pile up. With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong. Into this song I send myself, And with these drinks I plan to collapse. And forget this wasted year, these wasted years. Devoted friends, they disappear. And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you. Some decisions you don't make. I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to. There are some things you can't fakeI guess that it's typical To cling to memories you'll never get back againl And to sort through old photographsl Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know. And there below His frozen face You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date. And you can't believe that he's really gone When all that's left is a fucking song and I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you. I know that it is late, But thank you for talking, because I needed to. Some things just can't wait."

Bright Eyes- Feb. 15th Happy Birthday to me.

Indians and Pilgrims.

Sorry, are you mistaking me for someone who cares??

My perception is as sharp as it ever was. I see a lot clearer now that you are no longer blocking my way. You make a better door than window. I don't care if you were the "last living boy in New York," you still would mean nothing to me. My "wall" has been torn down. The rose colored glasses broken. Now let me try and find my happily ever after.

Enjoy your life and I will enjoy mine. You are always the one that comes crawling back. This time I will crush you like the god damn roach you are. You scatter when the light comes one. To simplify that for you... Whenever there is confrontation you back out. You have to find someone to do something for you because you can't handle your own.

Go ahead and be on top of your world. It will all cave in. It's hollow inside. Just. Like. You.

I see out of rose colored glasses. I breath in optimism. I live life with forgiveness. But I will not forgive you. My family would rather see me with her instead of you.

I am not going to screen write an apology for you. I am not sorry. And I don't expect anything from you.

My life isn't movie. It's not glamorous or fancy. I don't have designer clothes or a designer attitude. I am not like you, fucking hipster.

Try and be different. Cammilion. Dare to stand out until you are out of your comfort zone. Then you shift. You change your true colors to blend in with whatever is behind you.

So listen to your collection of 70,000 songs on your itunes. I will listen to my 7,000. At least I know each one by heart. All you know is that you have 70,000 songs on your itunes.

another way to vent.

Forget your past.

Your future is what is in store. Your destiny. Grab it by the horns. Ride the bull. If you fall off, get back on.

I am not that one that you need in your life. I have no reason to go back to where we once were. I have moved on. Stop trying to tear down this wall I have built. Believe me, it has the strength of a thousand lies. Its height towers over the heavens. It won't crash just because you 'need' it too. It's my wall. My safety net. My life.

There isn't a gated entrance. There isn't windows or doors. There isn't a way in. Because it is mine.

There is a moat around it. A moat filled with treacherous waters and beast that will devour you.

So stay on the outside. What you have pleases you. Keep it that way.

Jazz hands are overrated.

I keep having to remind myself, "Nick, you have to remember to feel real." I am have not one shred of sympathy for another these days. Countless times I have been countlessly lied too. I have found that a best friend that betrays is the friendship that decays. I have noticed myself sleeping on a bed full of apathy. Not caring. Not wanting to know. Not caring to know.

Everyday is a constant plauge. I have a single hope for winter. Just so the cold will kill this horrible disease. Below freezing temperatures will finish off whatever has been getting to me. But then sadly, the air outside will warm again, and I will be sick.

...

i sing a song of hope.

enough said.

lol.

"some of my trash may be somebodies treasure..."



i have spent a long time coming and spent a long time leaving.

When you finally realize that the World is your oyster...

When life gives you lemons what do you do?

Most say make lemonade. I would not. I would find a friend who just bought some vodka and throw a party.

I am going to stop looking at my life in such a negative way. It is getting me no where.

I was always thinking that I was always lost, but I have realized that I am at exactly where I am supposed to be. And things happened the way they did because it was supposed to happen. Sometimes things suck, sometimes things go well. And you just have to go with it all the time. Life doesn't have a book of instruction that you go to when it doesn't work out. Life doesn't have a return or exchange policy. If it is missing a piece, find a replacement. If it is a little faulty, fix it.

All you can honestly rely on is being the best person you can and eventually you will succeed in anything you want. I honestly now believe if you work hard enough you can accomplish anything. No matter who or what stands in your way. Optimism is a best bet. Being a debbie downer and a sour puss will let you down.

360°

"I remember things, not many things, I remember when my feet touched the ground."

I am sick of daydreaming about my past life. About how happy and completely satisfied I was. I miss it so much. When life had a meaning. When love existed in the very threshold of my heart. When I never had a dull day.

Now, all the colors have changed. My very life has took a 360° turn. I am going uphill, but it is like I am on rollerblades and I just keep going back and falling down.

iwanthappiness.iwanttosmileconstantly.iwanteverythingiusedtohaveandmore.

Am I selfish?

die to create new life.

destruction is a form of creation.

everything must die to create new life. the gazzelle will die and rot. That will give nitrogen to the plants, to grow, so it feeds its own species.

Without death there would be no life. And without life there would be no death. The two go hand and hand.

People think that death is morbid. That is just "God's way of showing his wrath." Yet, I don't think that at all. The only reason death is so "morbid" is because we as humans do not experience it enough. Apparently, we are all selfish and never want anyone else to live.

Anywhere from 25o,oo to 3oo,ooo people die a day. Yet, death is still so morbid to you.

Without death you would not be here. Without death we would none be here.

ponder on this. it may not make sense, because i wrote it completely off hand. yet, ponder. comment.

sewing machine.

Stitches have been ripped. I need to sew back up that old pair of jeans I have been calling my "life."

p.p.f.

lately, i have been staring into this imaginary crystal ball and only seeing my past. which brings me to question, is my past going to be my future? is that not what a crystal ball represents?

i usually do not dwell farther back than yesterday, but lately it seems like everything has been "2 years ago." i miss everything from then. back when everything was okay, and everyone was okay. i wish i could turn back time and relive every second over again. every fight, every tear shed, tell every story again, every everything.

i am so sad that everything that i could have possibly known has slipped from my loose grip. all i can do is damn myself everyday for letting go of all the possibilities. for leaving so many questions unanswered. for leaving everything with a dot, dot, dot, and no ending. finally i am going to start where my old life left off. i am hoping to hop aboard that train once more. even if it is not in first class. i will ride in the back, and slowly creep back into the seats where my old life sits. gaining my old happiness back. gaining my everything and my nothing back. gaining everyone who had influenced me (minus a choice few) back.

i am not saying i am going to be who i was back then, because i can not afford to drop maturity levels. i am just saying i want to have my old friends back.

as for the p.p.f. title. it stands for past, present, future.

and i

"I remember things, not many things. I don't remember places and times, but i remember the love and just who gave it to me."


Lately i feel kind of out of place. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I am not having my desired effect on this earth I am standing upon.

No one is intellectual enough for me to have a conversation with. I am thinking to highly. Not one person wants to love me, because I have no idea how to love back. No one wants to just come over, because they all have better things to do. No one is proud of me, just because I have never truly accomplished anything in my 19 going on 2o years of life.

I truly just want to escape, but not from those around me. I want to be a better person, who loves and makes those around him proud. I want to have goals, dreams, and ambitions. I love myself, and I don't want to make a change to myself. But it seems like I really need too. Just so friends, family, co-workers, my peers, and mere strangers will be happy with me. It is kind of a selfless way of thinking honestly. I mean I myself, am willing to give up everything that makes me happy to make those around me happy with me. Although I have become everything I never wanted to be, I am completely okay with it. I want to do this for their own good. Not for mine.


I have never wanted to be in love.
I have never asked to live.
I have never wanted to have a goal.
I have never wanted to breath.

all of it just happened.

And like all that has happened, this will too. I will mold myself until all the stars align, in a perfect straight line across the sky. Each day fixing a new problem with myself. Until I am perfect. Well, at least perfect in their eyes.

"I am not Jesus, but i am more than a man."

she is...

she is the song i sing when i have no voice.
the melody i hear when i am deaf to all other sounds.
the strings i strum when nothing else sounds right.

she is the pen i write with when i am in that mood.
the blank sheet of paper that is always right in front of me.
the eraser when i make a mistake.

she is the book i read, when i want to escape reality.
the words that mean everything when i have nothing to live for.
the character that i want fall in love with.

murderer.

i am composed of meat and flesh.
just like any other animal that graces this planet.

unlike others, i chose not to eat meat of any sort almost five years ago. but to them i am a joke. i am just some hippie wierdo.

yesterday, for the first time, meat graced my very lips, on accident but it happened. and since then i feel like i killed my best friend. i can not stop thinking about that poor animal. that animal that died for someone.

i relate killing an animal to the crusifiction of Jesus Christ. neither wanted to do it, but both do(did). both were/are killed for men and women alike. they only difference between meat and
Christ is that we can stop killing those animals anytime.

i hate myself right now. seriously. i am disguisted that i didn't check my food before i ate it. i am horrified by the thought that i for that one bite, was carnivouris. that i actually tasted the flesh of another being. i cried, real tears, over this.

i was just called a 'murderer' by my friends sister. i walked out of her house in front of her whole family holding back my tears. i am a murderer. i help to kill an innocent animal. i am a horrible person. i am disguisting. i am nasty. i killed. and i can't get over it.

it seems pointless and almost stupid to some people. for them to make jokes, and laugh at how bad i actually feel.

i hate myself right now. :\

inspiration/uplifting.

it is absolutely amazing the power one or more people can have one single human being.

i myself am influenced so much by my heroes and inspirees. i become who i am today because i listen to words. i comprehend those things people say and use it in my everyday life.

when i hear a song, a poem, a letter, a phrase, or just a conversation, i take that all to heart. i am truely inspired my human motivation. i love when people think something and say it. out of the blue or if it is thought out.

one of my greatest heroes of all time is craigery owens. if you do not know he is in the band chiodos. also he is in cinematic sunrise, isles and glaciers, and of course his newest solo project.
i have become seriously intwinded in his way of thinking over the past few years. i am more than just some fan. it is more of a passion. this one person, hands down, has changed my life. forever, he will be.

chiodos has saved me from my worst thoughts. saved me from myself even. simple words like, "we make the sunshine" or "as long as she is perfectly fine, i will be able to sleep at night" change the way i think. i am more optimistic.

you know something means a lot to you, when you are feeling like you have nothing to live for, and you just put that album in your c.d. player and it makes you want to live for something. honeslty, i live for these guys. craig, brad, matt, pat, dereck, and jason. these six people have changed my life. and they do not even know it. i cried during their shows. i feel like i have walked at least a mile in thier shoes. i feel like each song is wrote just for me. and that is why it means so fucking much to me.

i have been through so much over the past couple years, and i know it will be okay. because i can always rely on my boys. the chiodos boys.

"as long as your perfectly fine, i will be able to sleep at night with a smile upon your face."

eyes of the past.

i am constantly thinking of how my past has made me who i am today.

and i seriously mean constantly.

from what i wear, to i talk. it was influenced by someone, somewhere.

i personally had a fantastic childhood. two parents who loved me, a constant playmate (well my two sisters) and really a family who stood behind me.

now, it is like i have none of that...

i have so many problems nowadays. i have a disfunctional family. who by the way can barley talk to eachother. i have a dad who disowned me.

i quit highschool so i could be independent. always a kid i was the one who wanted to do things on his own. i wanted to best one at everything. now, in my dads eyes, i am the failure. i am the one who can not do anything right. i screwed my life up, well that is what he tells me.

he went to the extent of pretty much blantley telling my mom that he can not stand me. and sadly i am so okay with it. my dad is the person i hate being around. whenever he talks to me, i die a little. he kills me a little more everyday. with his one word answers and his cocky smartass comebacks. they tear me up. he is seriously stabbing a knife into my heart. and i am sick of it.

i believe that i am a good person. yes, i admit i have clouded my future by screwing up my past. i have tainted the life i could have had. but if i am okay with it, why can he not be?

my past was good until i was sixteen. point blank.

get inside my head...

I am a complicated individual. I ration my thoughts out to those who matter.

Lately, All I have been wanting to do is write. I have had so many built up feelings. The urge has become unbelievable. The only problem is i can never attain the right words to express myself.

I write what I feel.
I write what I know.
I write what I believe.

I am your naturally over rated teen. I am a full blown ass hole. I speak my mind.

I just want to express myself.

like lately...

i feel like i have a neuse around my neck, a chair under my feet. and he is getting ready to kick it.

i hate that feeling of uneasiness. i hate feeling pain. i hate when i know it is coming.